Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
