I'm so fucking centered right now
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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