I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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