Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We're too hungover to prance.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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