i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
