If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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