Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
