my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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