If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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