he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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