the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
