I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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