She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
