i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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