so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
