Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
