I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
