I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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