Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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