The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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