p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Pants are for mortals
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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