I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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