The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
