My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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