nut hugger
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
