I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
