Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
