You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
