just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
