I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
