Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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