I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
