Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
