I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
