I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
