I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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