Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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