if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
