And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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