I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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