Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
