Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
