totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
