I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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