I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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