$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
