there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
