I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
