it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
