Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
