Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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