You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Sorry about my life...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
